TCEST - Hate That I Love You

        It was an absurd time of morning for Raph to be standing outside the dojo doors, fidgeting with the wrist guard on his left arm as he tried to work up the courage to face Leo. He knew exactly what his mate was doing on the other side of the door despite how early it was – he’d be meditating, or trying to at least. Shame washed over the red banded ninja and he knew that it was his fault that Leo was unable to sleep. To say Leo was upset or angry with him was an understatement.

        Raph had been drinking the night before with Casey, which in itself wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but he’d been more reckless than usual and drank a lot more than he could handle in a short amount of time. Casey called Don around 10 o’clock in a drunken panic and by the time the family of mutants showed up it was clear that the hothead would need his stomach pumped to rid the liquid poison. Leo had been the first one to the apartment to collect his inebriated mate, but he refused to be present for the repulsive procedure. Raph couldn’t blame him and was sort of relieved that he hadn’t stayed to watch. It was bad enough Don had to be there since he was the one who saved him.

        Now that he’d had time to sleep off some of the affects from the alcohol after the gastric lavage, he knew he’d need to apologize for worrying his mate so badly. The emerald mutant bit his lip and closed his eyes, this was going to be incredibly embarrassing – but it was now or never – he owed it to Leo even if it meant a lecture before 5 a.m. Taking a deep breath, Raph slid open the door and spied his mate sitting on a yoga mat in the far corner of the room, surrounded by candles. The fact that tears were streaked down the ninja leader’s leaf green cheeks did not go unnoticed by his guilty mate. Raph also noted the slight tremble of Leo’s hand which was positioned in the vaayu mudra for achieving calmness.

        “Go away. I don’t want to look at you,” Leo spat without opening his eyes, the moment Raph stepped into the dojo, “You disgust me.”

        Raph knew he deserved to hear the hurtful words from his mate, but that didn’t mean he was going to follow the order and leave without apologizing. He moved slowly,  so the candles wouldn’t blow out and sat down across from the tense blue banded turtle. Leo ignored him and squeezed his eyes shut tighter to make his point that he had no intentions of seeing the sai wielder.

        “Don’t open yer eyes then, just hear me out.”

        When Leo didn’t comment, Raph took that as his cue to continue, “Leo… I…”

        He left his mouth hanging open as he contemplated how to explain himself, but after a moment closed it with a snap. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say. He had no excuse besides the fact that he’d acted extremely stupid and irresponsible. He knew Leo wouldn’t want to hear that or consider it a viable justification so he sighed and rubbed his temples, his head was still pounding from his hangover and it was making their talk even more difficult.

        “I hate you,” Leo whispered.

        Raph stopped massaging his temples and blinked several times in shock before muttering, “Ya don’t mean that.”

        Leo sighed irritably and said, “Yes I do. I hate you.”

        Raph felt like all of the air in his lungs had suddenly been sucked out and he struggled to compose himself. Leo had never told him he hated him.

        “Listen I’m sorry I got drunk, Leo,” He finally rushed out, “But I don’t see why that’s a reason to suddenly hate me.”

        “I’ve always hated you Raph because you don’t care about me,” Leo muttered vehemently.   

        The hungover turtle was stunned by what he was hearing. How could Leo possibly think he didn’t care about him? They’d been ‘together’ for nearly 5 years now! How did that faithful commitment equal him being an uncaring mate? Sure they fought often, more than Donnie and Mikey fought with each other, but they always made up pretty quickly.

        “I don’t understand Leo; I care about you more than anyone,” Raph explained, trying to keep his voice from wavering. He tried to ignore the throbbing pain in his head and was very happy the only light in the room were from the few flickering candles.

        “No you don’t Raph. You don’t care about me because you don’t care about yourself. I always have to worry about you when we go out on patrol because you rarely listen to my orders and jump into fights without thinking, and I have to worry when you head topside to fight alone, and now I have to worry when you’re spending time with Casey. You’re going to end up getting yourself killed, Raph. A~nd,” Leo’s voice cracked as he explained himself, silent tears painting his face. He took a deep breath and continued, “And I’m going to end up alone, Raph. I – I’m going to lose you.”

        The emerald turtle’s forehead creased and his lips pulled down in a deep frown as he listed to his mate’s confession. He knew he put Leo through a lot. He was in no way easy to love and he was always amazed that Leo stayed with him as long as he had. Raph wasn’t sure what he’d do if he lost Leo and shame heated his face knowing he caused Leo to have the same fear.

        “Leo…”

        “Shut up. I’m not done yet,” Leo interrupted him, he still refused to open his eyes, “I – I almost lost you tonight. When Donnie had to pump your stomach, I c-couldn’t look at you. I had to leave and I was just w-waiting for Don or Mikey to tell me we lost you. If Casey would have passed out, he never would have called and you would have died, Raph. Do – do you even understand that?”

        “I’m sorry, Leo.”

        “No you’re not. It doesn’t matter if you apologize and it doesn’t matter if you promise not to drink so much next time because you never keep your promises. You have a death wish Raphael and someday I’m not going to get there in time and – and… I can’t end up alone. I – I don’t want to be alone, Raph. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you – when I lose you,” Leo was sobbing harder now and his words were becoming incoherent, “You d-drive me c-crazy R-Raphael. I c-can’t t-t-take the st-stress.”

        Raph was overcome by shame and guilt. Leo didn’t cry often so the times that he did showed how truly shaken the ninja leader was. The hothead carefully moved the row of candles separating them and scooted closer so he could hold his distressed mate. The moment his hands wrapped around Leo, the blue banded turtle forcefully pushed him away.

        “Don’t touch me,” The katana master cried and wrapped his arms around his legs.

        “I’m really sorry, Leo,” Raph whispered, his beak was stinging and he knew it wouldn’t be long before they were both sobbing.

        “I don’t be~lieve you.”

        “How can I prove to ya how sorry I am?” Raph asked desperately, “I’ll do anything.”

        The leaf green turtle simply shook his head and hid his tear stained face. Although he’d previously been pushed away, Raph couldn’t help but try again. This time Leo didn’t fight him and pressed against Raph’s plastron, shaking with emotion and weeping loudly. Raph pulled him into his lap and chewed his lip guiltily. He stroked his mate’s shell hoping it offered some sort of comfort.

        “I hate that I love you so much,” Leo whispered miserably and sniffled.

        Raph frowned, “I won’t leave ya alone, Leo.”

        “You can’t promise that.”

        “Neither can you. But I’ll do everything I can to be less reckless. I don’t want to die, Leo. If that would happen, there’s a chance ya’d end up with that stupid rabbit, Usagi. And I definitely don’t want that happening,” Raph explained quietly and kissed to the top of his lover’s head.

        “Usagi?” Leo asked, sniffling again, finally pulling back a little and looking at Raph for the first time.

        “I’ve seen the way that dumb bunny checks ya out,” Raph explained, staring into Leo’s troubled hazel eyes.

        “Shut up, Raph. I’d never end up with Usagi and stop changing the subject. This is about you, not him.”

        “I know. I really am sorry, Leo,” The sai wielder whispered sincerely and wiped away the tears clinging to the beautiful scarred leaf green skin.

        Leo nodded his head and fidgeted with his hands which were folded in his lap. For a long time they sat in silence, listening to the hissing candles. Raph wasn’t sure how he’d make it up to Leo, but at the moment he was very content to be holding his lover.

        “I love you, Raph.”

        Raph smiled to himself and tightened his embrace before replying, “I love ya, too.”

        After another stretch of silence, Leo finally muttered, “That procedure was really gross tonight. I didn’t watch, but Don explained what he had to do.”

        A deep flush painted the emerald beak and he nodded in agreement.

        “You need to apologize to Mikey and Don, too,” Leo reminded him while cuddling Raph’s muscular right arm.

        “I know, but ya deserved an apology first, and besides, I heard churrin’ coming from their room and didn’t wanna interrupt.”

        Leo snorted; they both knew their younger brothers acted more like rabbits than turtles when it came to nightly activities, “Good call. How are you feeling?”

        “Terrible.”

        Leo nuzzled against Raph’s chin and responded, “Good. I don’t even want to know how much you drank, but you’re still expected to train with us today.”

        Raph moaned in protest but immediately stopped when his lover glared at him. Sighing loudly, he agreed to the punishment.

        “Come on, let’s go to bed,” Leo finally muttered and got to his feet, “I might be able to sleep now.”  

        He helped his lover up also and together they put away the meditation mat and extinguished the candles. In the dark, Raph found Leo and pulled him into another tight hug. Leo wrapped his arms around Raph’s shell and took several deep breaths, letting Raph’s musk comfort him – it wasn’t as comforting as usual because the stench of alcohol still clung to the emerald skin.

        “I love you so much, Raph. I'd be lost without you.”

        “I know.  I’ll be more careful next time. I won’t leave ya alone, Leo.”  

        “You better not, or I’ll date Usagi just to spite you.”

        Raph gasped, “That’s not funny.”

        Leo pressed a chaste kiss to Raph’s lips before promising, “You know I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.”

        Raph smiled and sighed in relief. After another quick kiss, they made their way towards their shared bedroom. The red banded turtle chuckled when they passed Don and Mike’s room and could still hear churring.

        “It’s a good thing we can’t have kids, can ya imagine how crowded this sewer would be from just those two?” Raph whispered causing Leo to laugh and roll his eyes.

        When they locked their door and crawled into bed, Raph pulled Leo close to his side and hoped their few hours of sleep would be restful. He knew Leo wouldn’t be merciful during training in the morning so he needed all the sleep he could get. Training with a hangover was hard enough, but it would be an even bigger challenge if he was any more tired. A smile settled on his face when Leo snuggled closer and sighed contentedly. Even if Leo didn’t believe him, he would try harder to keep himself safer. His mate was right, he didn’t show Leo he cared about him if he didn’t act like he cared about himself.

        “I love ya, Leo.”

        His declaration was met with a soft snore and he couldn’t be happier with the response. He closed his tired eyes and let sleep overcome him as well. It would be awhile before he would decide to drink with Casey again, but the next time he would be smarter about how much he would consume, because even if Leo had been joking, there was no way Raph was giving Usagi any chances to claim his mate.